Imposter syndrome

Sitting at a conference down in Christchurch and thinking deeply about what the keynote speakers have to say.

Some I agree with and some I don’t.

Not only here as a delegate but also presenting, I find myself critiquing all the other presenters I come across, do they present in a way that supports their message, is it participatory, engaging, deeply thoughtful and provocative, does it reinforce the way in which I believe learning happens?

I often find myself setting goals and challenges which confront my fears and capability, I set myself the challenge of fronting up and performing because I have this belief that making myself do things that feel uncomfortable or challenge me, are good for me.

I did the zip wire on a visit to North Wales, not because I though I would enjoy it but because it scares me and to face my fears head on is a good thing… says some masochistic voice from within. I used the same argument when I chose to jump out of a plane. Sometimes I do it because I am too proud to turn around and say “I have changed my mind”.

I am a great fan of Brenee Brown and embrace her idea of the gift of imperfection, embracing my vulnerabilities, acknowledging that place of discomfort in order to grow, daring greatly. I am not sure that listening to that little voice inside trying to “push me over the edge” however is quite the same.

What I know and what I feel, what I know and what I do, they are not always in agreement.

What I say to others and what I say to myself do not always carry the same message.

Everyday I say to children…give it a go, if you are not happy with it, you can change it, if it isn’t how you want it to be it is nevertheless a start. Until you give it a go I do not know what I am able to help you with. Mistakes are learning opportunities.

And yet, everyday I strive for perfection, or at least I used to. I have come a long way from attempting to be the perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, teacher, friend, I now tolerate less than perfect in myself… but in tolerating imperfection I question whether I am the right person for the job.

Am I good enough?

Am I an imposter?

I sit in discussion with others, in awe of their skills, knowledge and capabilities, and I wonder…what am I doing here? I walk alongside others and consider how my light is so small and masked by the brilliance of those with whom I walk. I question everyday my own capabilities and capacity to do what I do well…and everyday I know I did my best, with my moral compass intact… and if my best is not good enough by someone else’s criteria at least I know I have done my best.
Imposter syndrome is very real…and it lives within me. Some days it is more vocal than others.

Ngā mihi nui

Share this...
0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *