Labour of love
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Author: Charlotte Parry-Jones - Make-Up ArtistTel: 07747137058
Web: charlotteparryjones.co.uk
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Leigh HamondWeb: cinepelago.com
Split between a job and family how do working mums cope when they are only one false move away from chaos? Charlotte Parry-Jones finds out…
Kate Parry – Nurse, Bangor, North Wales
Kate feels it is important she goes to work but if money weren’t an issue she would opt to work less days of the week. “I would only work very part time… when you’re on maternity leave or always at home with the children you go stir crazy don’t you!”
She has no pangs of guilt about working but at the same time does feel bad when sometimes she comes home and feels too tired to do things with the children. “I often think I’ve had enough of it” but a big motivation for her is the children and maintaining a certain lifestyle, “I don’t think it’s healthy for me or them to be at home, they need to have experiences outside without me and I do too but I would definitely still work even if I didn’t have to.” Like many working women Kate tends to take on the organisational responsibility for everything and admits “we do think the place will fall apart without us!”
Trying to juggle everything sometimes makes her feel alone so Kate says having an additional outlet helps her cope and switch off from work and family. For her it is the local amateur dramatics group.
Being on stage takes her away from the daily stresses, “I’m not a mother, I’m not a nurse, I’m not even Kate, that’s why I love acting. I can get home and forget to buy the bread or milk on the way home because I’ve been so engrossed in something else and that has been vital for the last ten years.”
Kate feels it is important to instil a strong work ethic. In fact she followed in her mother’s footsteps who was also a nurse when Kate and her two brothers were growing up. Like her mother Kate has two or three friends she can rely on and has altered her job to fit around the children’s routine.
Support from family and friends is vital in helping Kate cope with the challenges of bringing up a family while working. “There a lot of nurses out there who must have huge family support in order to carry on with the shift work. They have a husband at home or they go on to regular days”
Friends give Kate one sort of support while family act as a prop in a different way. “For emotional support it is always friends,” but for practical support she couldn’t do it without her husband but “only because he is a practical person. If he was a ‘slob’ it wouldn’t work”, said Kate.
She admitted it is sometimes difficult to be a part time nurse and switch her loyalties between caring for her patients and then her family. “When you do that job you give it 100% for that moment and that’s all you can do for patients at work I think. You have to be able to focus and be there 100% and anything else that you can’t do you have to pass on to someone else then you have to let it go, because when you come home your priorities have changed”.
Kate admits it is sometimes hard to switch off completely from one role to the other. “There are parts of nursing that can creep in to your life when you least expect it. I can shout at the kids like anyone else, I’m not Florence Nightingale!”
“Monday to Friday is always a battle to get through and to achieve what you hope to achieve whether that be social pressure, moral pressure, there’s always pressure to do it.“, she added.
Kate is very much her own women and says she does not feel pressure from the media to have it all. Instead she sets her own standards.
“I probably put pressure on myself but I don’t feel pressure from the media to achieve all of that and still be a size zero and look gorgeous. Neither does she regard herself as an inspirational woman.
“Well my first reaction is to burst out laughing, because it seems bonkers because all we do, and I’m sure I’m not unique, is look at other people’s lives and wish that we had theirs.
“It is the simple things in life that Kate says pull her through the week. “We are grounded by the odd text from a friend or a hug and that makes it all worthwhile.”
Catrin Williams floor Manager and Assistant Director, North Wales
Catrin Williams is a single parent of two young girls and is a freelance assistant director and floor manager working in television. She often has periods when she is not working but when she does it can be up to 12 hours a day over several weeks at a time.
Having a job which can mean she is away for long stretches does make Catrin feel guilty about not being there for the children. Her coping strategy is to say, “it’s a busy time for mum at the moment but it won’t be in a few weeks…I can’t dwell on feeling guilty because I have to work. I can’t give myself a hard time for having to work, it’s a fact of life”.
People have always worked in Catrin’s family and never had the option not to. Catrin’s paternal grandmother was also a single mum with three children and her maternal grandmother grew her own vegetables and was a cook at the local school in the small village in North Wales where Catrin still lives. “I can’t think of any women in my family who haven’t worked to be honest, all the women have worked all their lives” added she would still work if she didn’t have to but only part-time. “I don’t want to do housework from 9 till 3 every day and I don’t have the money to shop all day!”
Consequently she believes passing on a strong work ethic is important because she wants her children to realise there is more to being a mum than doing the housework and taking them to school. One of the ways she drove this message home to the girls was to take them to the studio where she works. Catrin recalls the girls being quite impressed. “Not that I wanted them to be impressed but to understand that mum does this for a living and that’s where she works.” And she’s satisfied then that the girls understand what she does and where she is when she goes to work and she knows they feel proud of her.
When Catrin is working it is very busy but she keeps it under control by having a strict regime. “I have to go to bed early, I have to forget about trying to play..during busy periods of work.” As hours can be long and the jobs are unpredictable in television she has to take work when it comes. “Working people who don’t have children don’t realise the extra pressure you’re under and they don’t have any concept of the balls you have up in the air.”
I asked Catrin if she feels pressure from the media or perhaps other women to be the perfect working mum, “no, the only pressure I feel is to do the best for the girls really, I don’t want to impress anyone else. If I have a rubbish day at home I try not to take it to work and if I have a rubbish day at work I try not to bring it home and don’t beat yourself up about housework! When I get home I have to concentrate on the children then concentrate a bit on myself then worry about the housework.”
She added, “There’s no point blaming other people if you’re stressed it’ our own choice to do both.”
Being a single mum at the moment she says, “its all down to me I don’t have to check that someone else has done something. Delegation can be stressful with a husband or a partner around” but like a great many of the working mothers I spoke to Catrin says she couldn’t do it without the practical and emotional support of family and friends. She says she has a good relationship with the girls’ father and he helps when he can. “We need to communicate like adults…we need to concentrate on keeping the kids happy.”
Switching off for Catrin has always been in the form of exercise. When she’s not working she goes to the gym after taking the children to school and nursery. She also plays in the local netball team.
“I should do housework in that time but it’s the only hour and a half I have to myself in the mornings so I try to use that time to do something for myself that I enjoy.” We’re a team and I can’t just not turn up for a game..I don’t find it hard to motivate myself to do sports. I play to relax. I used to read a lot more but nowadays I go upstairs, pick up a book, read a page and fall asleep!”
Catrin says she could not comprehend what it would be like if her right to work where taken away. “We do have a privileged life in that sense, we can do any work we want to. It is a privilege to be able to work. It gives you independence.”
Naomi Owen, self employed Accountant
Naomi is married with two children. She works from home and is currently studying part time for a degree in Accounting and Finance at a local college.
As a self employed accountant Naomi says having a separate working area is essential to her. For years she worked from the bedroom at her home in Anglesey, North Wales.
“For years I was working out of the bedroom so not only did we not have a bedroom I didn’t have an office! I’d come home and do whatever work I have to do in the office. The kids can be running around me and can be in the office!”
Naomi has recently built an office at her home to work from which has made life much easier. “I can close the door on it, I can go back into the house and the house is separate from work…I’m away from all the noise and the hustle and bustle and I’m not looking at the dishes or what needs tidying up or saying oh gosh I better go clean the bathroom or do the dinner I can l literally close the door and come in here and just cut myself off.”
Working, studying and caring for the family does sometimes make Naomi feel she is losing control. “There are times where the stress bubbles over and I look at everybody else I say I wish I could be like that, why do they have all that time to do that? they always look so calm, they never seem to shout at the kids and they seem to be able to hold it all together, but then I look at myself and say, well, I’ve taken on a lot and I know I have…. and it’s not always been easy, I have to talk myself around sometimes and say, ok, the little control I feel like I have, I’ve got it!”
Naomi says she always feels guilt about working but not about studying. For her studying is something just for her away from the family. That one day out of the working week that I can go and do something with people that are doing exactly the same thing as me. Nobody else can do that for me…it’s mine.”
Studying is also important to Naomi because she wants to prove to herself she can do it because she never thought she would get a degree. She said, “Showing the kids that if you don’t do it the first time you can go back and do it a second time. You can go back and do it but it’s a lot harder once you’ve settled and had a family.”
As a young adult Naomi made the huge jump across the pond from Canada to Wales and settled here after college, the daughter of a Veterinary Surgeon dad and self employed mum, she says her parents have passed on a strong work ethic to her that she’s keen to pass on to her own children. “I’ve seen how hard my mum worked, not always with the desired result, but she has really had to work hard for what she’s had.”
“The kids need to know that if they work they can reap the benefits. There are going to be times that they work hard and they don’t feel like the benefits are there and they’re not getting the results that they want but you just have to keep going.”
Naomi says she would still work even if she didn’t have to but allow herself more time to concentrate on college work, “ I would balance it a bit so that I’m still having time with the kids and the family because I do miss that. That’s the bit that I feel guilty about…I think I would be bored to just be at home cleaning the house.”
Her biggest practical support is her husband says Naomi and she couldn’t do it without friends at the end of the phone. Emotional support comes from being able to “..pick up the phone and blubber my eyes out!”
Switching off is something Naomi finds difficult to do but the soothing effect of candles helps? I don’t switch off very well and I never have done, I get stressed out and it just goes on and on, that is one of my downfalls. I don’t switch off.”
Kim Williams, mum of two girls and Vicar in Porthmadog North Wales
Mother of two, Kim, job-shares alongside her husband as the Vicar of Porthmadog in North Wales. Although her work takes her away from the children during the day and she has the same childcare problems as other working mums she does consider her work as a vocation rather than a ‘job’.
Kim says her husband is definitely her biggest support and feels fortunate that they are both in the same job. This was particularly the case for the the first seven years of their daughters’ lives when they lived over four hours away from her parents and over an hour away from her husbands.
Her husband is a great support in every aspect of their lives said Kim. “We can sit down and we know that nothing will go any further, we can rant and rave and show support for each other quite easily.”
Recently they moved nearer to the girls’ grandparents so there is no doubt this has made life easier in caring for the children. “ I didn’t realise how tough it was until I had that support there and I can phone up and say, “I‘ve got this happening please can you go and collect the girls from school? It makes life so much easier!”, said Kim.
Sunday mornings are usually a time when most families have the chance to spend quality time together but when you are vicar it is a different story. “You’ll never find a childminder who works Sunday mornings,” pointed out Kim, so in their previous parish they had to rely on a sympathetic bishop, supportive parish and friends to help them out.
Having grandparents around has made Sundays so much easier for Kim and her husband. “We don’t have to worry about where the children are, they can go to grandma’s and can have proper Sunday lunch which isn’t something that we’ve ever managed. Sunday lunch is a sandwich”, said Kim.
Having a routine and family time together including a traditional Sunday lunch is important to Kim so they have coped by having set times to do things together.
“This is why we have Friday evening … I think this is how we work so well as a family, we have fixed points in the week and a routine and a tradition and the expectation is there to share that Sunday lunch thing at a time that is more convenient to us.”
The nature of Kim’s job makes it difficult for her to switch off completely and find time to relax. When I spoke to her it was her day off but she still had to go to a meeting later in the day.
“I suppose that’s one of the problems of living on the job! When I can’t have Friday I’ll have Saturday but I might have a number of weddings or training events that are on. My daughter’s going to write to the Bishop if she doesn’t see me this Saturday because pretty much every Saturday this year is taken up!,” said Kim.
For Kim there is no question of her right to work being taken away from her because her job is her vocation and way of life. “When the Bishop put his hands on my head during my ordination…you’ve been set aside. No matter what my job title would be or my official role I will always be a priest. “For me, eating, breathing…everything is wrapped up in that. I see everything through my priestly glasses!”
Kim feels fortunate that the church’s views have changed and she is now able to be both a mother and a priest. “ The Church now represents the whole of humanity not just one section of it…and naturally the role of a priest is nurturing, encouraging and all those womanly traits so its always been a bit odd that women were kept out for so long.
Like most mother’s Kim does feel pangs of guilt when her work takes her away from the children but at the same time fortunate that her role does give her flexibility.
“There are fixed points in my diary but I can make appointments for when the children are in bed and juggle during the school holidays. Officially I’m only part time but people don’t know that. I don’t mind giving it 110% during term time because it means that I feel less guilty about work during the holiday times. If the children want to go to the park I can say ‘I’m going’ which is pretty jammy!”,” she said.
Gaynor Thomas, freelance photographer and college lecturer
Gaynor Thomas, mum of three, business woman, freelance photographer, college lecturer. After being a stay at home mum when the children were small Gaynor has built up her own photography business and now teaches photography at the local Higher Education College in Bangor, North Wales.
Although financially she doesn’t have to work full time Gaynor always has jobs on the go. Working is an important part of her life balance. “I do it to have my own identity. You tend to lose your personality and your confidence when you’re not working. I’ve worked with the public all my life up until I packed in work to have the kids. It came to the point where I didn’t want to leave the house in case I bumped into somebody.”
Gaynor began getting back into work by taking portraits and doing small photographic jobs in between looking after the children and home. Later on she was taken on by a North Wales paper as one of their photographers. “With the paper I was having to meet people all the time, different people and different situations, really important people, people with disabilities and people recovering from cancer. It was great to be able to get back up and be identified for me not somebody’s mum.”
“It’s hard work and I do get stressed and I do get shattered. The main issues when trying to juggle work and home are when the children are ill and I can’t get home from teaching at the college. College isn’t flexible but freelance work is flexible.” said Gaynor. She says she doesn’t feel guilty when she’s working and she’s never missed any of the childrens’ performances in all the years she has been working. “With the type of work that I’ve done I’ve always worked around it. If the children have got a Christmas concert and I get a job from the paper I just say I’m sorry I can’t make it. It’s a bit more difficult now working in the College, one of the classes clashed with one of the children’s last performances but I managed to get out of it and went anyway!”
With regards to practical support like housework and collecting the kids she says “I do everything!” but at the same time she’s “ got very understanding friends and they will if I ask and obviously I’m there for them.”
I asked Is working life harder or easier for women now than for previous generations? “ Well it’s much harder because people expect you to work. My grandmother worked in the mills in Lancashire but when her children were born and my grandfather went away to the war she stopped working. Today if they see you at home all the time people can be judgemental.”
I asked if she could manage doing a nine to five job? “When you’re working from home you’re working all the time. I was working till 10 o’clock last night because the office is there, temptation is there just to say I’ll just finish that job off then I’m free tomorrow and I can do something else tomorrow. In an office job you can come home and walk away from the work, my work is here, my mobile phone is here. I have my phone with me on holiday and I have to answer it otherwise I might lose business. I try and switch the sound off now after about 8 o’clock so I can’t hear it ringing!”
Gaynor says she would feel devastated and angry if her right to work were taken away from her. Recently a regular job Gaynor had was taken away from her and she became depressed. “I felt unworthy. The house was very clean and all the ironing was done every day but there’s only so many weeks of that I could do.”
So for Gaynor her biggest motivation to keep working is very much herself.
